I haven’t been really excited about anything because I’m always so tired.  I feel so guilty because this not only means I’m the only one without a life.  I try so hard to balance a healthy life but it’s driving me crazy because I just can’t find the energy to head out and do something normal.  When I get too tired, I would suffer really bad morning sickness/giddiness the next day and I really don’t want to put myself through that.

Besides all these physical aches, I am so emotionally unstable I scare myself sometimes.  I sob non-stop and I hate it.  I didn’t believe in all that hormonal changes talk until now.  It is not an excuse of course I know but it’s hard not to be frustrated and angry with the people around me.  Especially when I have so much to juggle.  Work is already driving me crazy and then comes the wedding, and my body/mood changes. 

 Sometimes I just wish some one could help me out here.

Sometimes I’d feel a pang of anger hitting me in the centre of my heart because I know I’d have to forsake so much for this child, lagging behind in society for the next few years, abandoning all that big dreams I used to/still have.  Would I have time? Would I have the energy facing an infant and then a toddler with abundance of energy? 

There are so much to a pregnancy, it’s like another endless world of learning, patience to cultivate, love and bonding.  But at the same time, I think because I’m so scared, I’m cutting myself off from the world, refusing to admit how much it would matter to me in future, what if along the way things don’t work out?  The baby disappears?  The baby isn’t healthy?  Would I have to go through devastation again?  I fear. For my sanity.

I would very much like to let God decide my fate but I know nothing comes free in the world.  There is a price to pay for every good thing that falls into our lives.   Wish me luck.

Zzzzz. I only had like 3 hours of sleep and I have work tomorrow. Sighs. Am really contemplating not working here already. Too tiring and mind fucking lah! Anyway, wow, I’ve been here for 6 months already! Time flies balls! Bahhh

My whole body is aching. Went to the gym yesterday for the boy’s personal training session + my orientation which became a kickboxing session weee! I am strong now! I lifted weights, trained abs, kickboxed and ran like 15 mins and I felt so aweesssommmeee! Hahaha, although I’m in pain now. But it was good good good. Gonna head there Tuesday again.

And oohhhhh. Poor Junior baby’s gonna get his neuter done on Tuesday as well. Hmmm. I’m gonna be sitting in. Hopefully I don’t get overly anxious. Bah. Hope I’m making the right decision and I hope he don’t put on weight lah.

Zzzzzzz.

Am thinking of shutting this blog down or at least relocate cus I’m so sick of this empty, unspiced up space already boo. My life IS dull, what to do? Work takes away 3/4 of my life, am constantly tired and occupied with the 2 big babies at home. Sometimes I wonder if this really is the life I’m heading for and is this really what I want?

Besides having all these negative thoughts, most of my running thoughts is how to make more money everyday, how to improve my lifestyle – which I have already taken many many big steps. I rejoined Fitness First because of baby – we signed up for 4 months this time because I have learnt my lesson real badly. Personal trainers asked for because we need to be pushed. We are such lazy people but I know we need to excercise because we are so unhealthy.

Am pushing for better health because I want babies! Although I know I might not be the best mother on earth.. I still want to feel like a full and real woman. Signed up for driving FINALLY, enough of procrastinating. Opted for manual because Auto are for pussies as they claim but honestly, I AM A PUSSY why must I take manual……. Omg. Threw 500bucks down for admin fees and 5 practical lessons. Basic Theory is on 31st March. Awesome!

Drove home from town the other day baby was going “Excellent” all the way! Am I born to drive or am I born to drive? Haha! Can’t wait.. then after getting my liscense I shall strive to get a car. Yipppie. Am aiming to get a pass before I turn 21, am not going to be looked down upon and Joel.. I will not finish after you! Haha.

Some exciting news would be ..  I finally have my LV bag! Yayness. Ultimate happiness! Seems like things are going not bad for me. No major quarrels between the boy and I for a long time now and even if there is, it has not lasted more then 24 hours. Maybe we just grow up and out of it. Haha.

Ah gong was hospitalized for high blood pressure, shot up to 220 and I got a shock! I was crying in the clinic when baby delievered the news (my phone was at home, yes I forgot to bring my phone out with me again), I went into panic mode I forgot Kuku mommy’s number and her number hasn’t changed for 10 years and above – it was that bad. Honestly, my grandpops hasn’t been doing all that well, in the recent years, he grew so old sometimes I would sit down and wonder, where did all that energy in my grandpops went to?

Am I really that usless having failed to notice that? I am determined to spend more time with my family and even if I don’t have the time, a 5 mins conversation wouldn’t kill me much. If I could slog for the clinic so much, my family deserves 150% more of that effort.

I’ve been thinking about life. On the positive side that is. I was telling the boy, actually he’s a damn awesome boyfriend and all he said was “By buying gifts for you, all I want is just for you to be guai guai” Am I really so naughty? Well.. I’m a little stubborn here and there but I think I really am riding towards the right direction. For the first time in many years, I know I could face anyone and tell them “My life is perfect” Well, I there are still flaws but it is because they exist, my life is real.

Junior has been growing real fast but he really is problematic. Skin allergies, ate chocolates, blood in stools. You name it, he’s got it but he’s such a sweetheart. We are going to put him through neuter because he’s getting really territorial? I feel kinda sad for him but it’s only the right thing to do. Maybe when I have a new place of my own I will begin breeding.

And speaking of a new place, we are starting to think of renting a flat of our own now.. Kevin’s place is just utterly seductive (because of the rent and company and freedom.. Awesome!) I badly need that because as you all know.. I need my space quite damn often, let’s put that as 3 weeks out of a month HAHA. No honestly. I am that desperate. Specially with Junior’s whacky behaviour.

Guess where am I? NYP. Watching the boy study with his friends. Yawns! So sleepy. I miss my baby at home already and I want to go out and play!

I am deprieved. Utterly.

PS: On the side note, CNY was awesome. $$$$$$$$

i am so sorry i had to rant it out here all the time but this is killing me slowly and if i dont do anything about it, i might end up living my next 50 years (if even possible) like that and this totally suck. i wished our relationship was just you and me and nobody else but obviously that’s not going to happen. now i know the theory behind my mom’s saying “find a husband whose parents are dead”. yeah she did say something like that , i think when she was going through a rough patch with well, the grandpa and aunts and uncles but of course im not gonna take that seriously but i guess it kinda has it reason now. im not even married and im dreading it already. do you guys face this shit? how come life is so unfair to me? is it because my dad is dead and people think they can step all over my head because hey ive got parents just that they died pretty long ago. i used they because having a mother now, it really is overated.

i see my sister so miserable and i feel miserable and the whole world is miserable.

i feel like screaming. i feel like picking a fight with a random stranger who isnt afraid of whacking me up because im a girl because i really would like a real fight with a man whom is drunk. how fun that sounds to me now. i think i have a violent streak in me because whenever i am angry i feel like killing somebody. i find it so hard to contain that pissing off madness anger but it so difficult when my life just suck cork right now. i dont have a freaking life if you wanna put it that way. dont understand why people have to live in denial and live openly and not stop others from doing what they think is right and want. is it so difficult to just open the doors out to people? i want somebody who opens doors to me and not shut it up on me when im in trouble or need some sort of comfort. and it is exactly what im getting from everyone now because everyone is just so far out. nobody close to my heart. nobody knows what AMANDA NEEDS OR WANT. Everyone just want a piece of me when they need something and isnt that just absoultely disgusting.

i am crashing.

if i ever jump off a building because i am a coward and no longer dare to face this scary future, you guys know this is coming.

At times, you just feel so down and depressed because in your heart, you’d think there is no way you could ever get rid of the scar.

But it only took one outing, one date, one day of alone time, just you and me to make me realise, the scar would never go away but one should never harp on the scar, instead, one should be proud you survived the scar like glory of battles.. it is only through all these scars and time, you fill the blank piece of paper we started with.

We are often blind when anger engulfs us and when self-pity takes over but we are only human.  I might realise how significant this relationship is and there could be so much sweetness at this particular time frame but trust me, the very next second we would be at each other’s throat again. Hahahas, I find it now looking back at how we rebut at each other and you, reading this out there should take this 1 minute out of your busy schedule to think about the person you love most.  It is important, because you never know what’s going to happen the next breath you take.

My days are confusing. Both paths lead to somewhere I would really want to be but there are so many pulling and pushing factors now. I cannot decide, I cannot think straight. There are times I often find myself almost desperate to run away when I didn’t have to answer to anyone about my future, about how often Junior is falling sick, how come I am working at this age, am I going to stay in the line forever?, am I not intending to further my studies?, why are you spoiling Junior so much?

The thing is, people don’t understand. In my line, people out there treat their pets like gems! Far better then their partners, parents, siblings or children. Why? Because it is just in some of us to love animals because they are out shelter, our sense of belonging and somebody I could go home to without pretending to be somebody else, someone I could go home to without hiding my real emotions! That is why! There is no false pretense, no walls.

I love Junior even if he’s always sick, always chewing and always so annoying.

Almost all of my off days, I’d wish I was back at work because that’s where all the drama is, all the zest, life and death is. Back home, it is so dreary and dull I almost hate my life outside of work. I never do anything fun (or anything I want) anymore. I am not complaining, just really bored of where I think my life is heading.  I am planning so many holidays I am half worrying if we could cope financially but then again, the need to go out there to have the time of my life is so tempting and so really needed.

You know, take it from me, a long-term relationship is not easy to handle. Especially when you’re a newbie. You don’t know what else to look out for, how else to salvage it because you get so lazy and boring yourself. There is no more sparks, no more butterflies, no more late night outdoor adventure, no more you and I. Just.. always tired and different company with us everyday. It sucks. I am already starting to wonder how long more of such life could I take. I think I belong to the wild but yet at the same time am not willingly to give up home. I am almost believing everyone out there is struggling like me because how can they not? How can anyone be happy with life like that? There must be happy moments.. it is scary because I really did try to recoup some to make my heart a tad lighter but there wasn’t. There isn’t. Since the war started, blood shed and scars formed, I don’t remember any of our days.. we were truly, innocently happy.

Not for me at least.

I am not happy. Just ok, alright, enough to lead life as it is everyday. But there are really times I’d sit down and question myself, where is the love? I can’t sit down, look you in the eye and say “I love you” because I don’t know! Funniest thing, my memory stopped at us being in Bali. Was that where we stopped loving each other?

Zzzz, so tired but we’ve gotto send Gnet and HX to the airport at 4.30, how luckyyy, I wanna go HK too! Ok but be patient, Aussie land is coming in June, should be meeting Eunice to skii at Victoria’s if she’s having her holidays and has spare dough. Tadadada. And can’t wait to get my arse baby’s mommy’s apartment in Gold Coast, how nice.. just the two of us, in a world of our own yayness! Thought of going to Bali/Phuket in Mar/April but then we should probably save as much money as we could for Aussie. ( Can’t wait to get out Singapore!

Tonight was awesome cus we met up with Jovey and Faith to play Scrabbles at Happy Daze cus we bought Junior out. Really, it’s nice just sittin down and cracking our brains for once, alcohol free. Was really zonked out though, my poor girl has work later on somemore. Hahaha. So excited! Going to bring the doggies to the vet tomorrow, head home for bell bell’s birthday and I can’t wait for Buddy’s birthday celebration on Saturday! Weeee. Thought of going to the pet farm for a run (for the dogs I mean), I think we skipped like 3 weekends already.. missing that place now! Wanna sign Junior up for Obedience  training tooooo. He’s too naughty for his own good, and too whinny. But I love him all the same

I have one more hour to go.. Dying already lah.

mornings are my worst bet.

is it wrong to love too much?