Not all who wander are lost

my life is just filled with drama – nonstop. i don’t even know what’s going on sometimes. things just happens. maybe im just undergoing a streak of bad luck or maybe we’re just not meant for each other and only God knows it. they say its just obstacles to face and fight together but you know if we’re not even standing on the same side, facing the same enemy i wonder how are we going to win this war. love is a battlefield. it is not a load of bullshit, it is only understood for people like me because it is so tiring and stressful one moment and the next, everything forgotten. love is so so so tiring, its draining all my energy. is it even supposed to be this way? i bet not. isnt it supposed to be filled with red roses and laughter? speaking of laughter, i dont even remember when was the last time i truly did laugh.

i am so sorry i had to rant it out here all the time but this is killing me slowly and if i dont do anything about it, i might end up living my next 50 years (if even possible) like that and this totally suck. i wished our relationship was just you and me and nobody else but obviously that’s not going to happen. now i know the theory behind my mom’s saying “find a husband whose parents are dead”. yeah she did say something like that , i think when she was going through a rough patch with well, the grandpa and aunts and uncles but of course im not gonna take that seriously but i guess it kinda has it reason now. im not even married and im dreading it already. do you guys face this shit? how come life is so unfair to me? is it because my dad is dead and people think they can step all over my head because hey ive got parents just that they died pretty long ago. i used they because having a mother now, it really is overated.

i see my sister so miserable and i feel miserable and the whole world is miserable.

i feel like screaming. i feel like picking a fight with a random stranger who isnt afraid of whacking me up because im a girl because i really would like a real fight with a man whom is drunk. how fun that sounds to me now. i think i have a violent streak in me because whenever i am angry i feel like killing somebody. i find it so hard to contain that pissing off madness anger but it so difficult when my life just suck cork right now. i dont have a freaking life if you wanna put it that way. dont understand why people have to live in denial and live openly and not stop others from doing what they think is right and want. is it so difficult to just open the doors out to people? i want somebody who opens doors to me and not shut it up on me when im in trouble or need some sort of comfort. and it is exactly what im getting from everyone now because everyone is just so far out. nobody close to my heart. nobody knows what AMANDA NEEDS OR WANT. Everyone just want a piece of me when they need something and isnt that just absoultely disgusting.

i am crashing.

if i ever jump off a building because i am a coward and no longer dare to face this scary future, you guys know this is coming.

It takes one minor fault to spark up a quarrel, and many minor quarrels to create a scar in a relationship.

At times, you just feel so down and depressed because in your heart, you’d think there is no way you could ever get rid of the scar.

But it only took one outing, one date, one day of alone time, just you and me to make me realise, the scar would never go away but one should never harp on the scar, instead, one should be proud you survived the scar like glory of battles.. it is only through all these scars and time, you fill the blank piece of paper we started with.

We are often blind when anger engulfs us and when self-pity takes over but we are only human.  I might realise how significant this relationship is and there could be so much sweetness at this particular time frame but trust me, the very next second we would be at each other’s throat again. Hahahas, I find it now looking back at how we rebut at each other and you, reading this out there should take this 1 minute out of your busy schedule to think about the person you love most.  It is important, because you never know what’s going to happen the next breath you take.

My days are confusing. Both paths lead to somewhere I would really want to be but there are so many pulling and pushing factors now. I cannot decide, I cannot think straight. There are times I often find myself almost desperate to run away when I didn’t have to answer to anyone about my future, about how often Junior is falling sick, how come I am working at this age, am I going to stay in the line forever?, am I not intending to further my studies?, why are you spoiling Junior so much?

The thing is, people don’t understand. In my line, people out there treat their pets like gems! Far better then their partners, parents, siblings or children. Why? Because it is just in some of us to love animals because they are out shelter, our sense of belonging and somebody I could go home to without pretending to be somebody else, someone I could go home to without hiding my real emotions! That is why! There is no false pretense, no walls.

I love Junior even if he’s always sick, always chewing and always so annoying.

My days are getting really predictable. It is either that or I am craving for spice, excitement, adventure and trouble.

Almost all of my off days, I’d wish I was back at work because that’s where all the drama is, all the zest, life and death is. Back home, it is so dreary and dull I almost hate my life outside of work. I never do anything fun (or anything I want) anymore. I am not complaining, just really bored of where I think my life is heading.  I am planning so many holidays I am half worrying if we could cope financially but then again, the need to go out there to have the time of my life is so tempting and so really needed.

You know, take it from me, a long-term relationship is not easy to handle. Especially when you’re a newbie. You don’t know what else to look out for, how else to salvage it because you get so lazy and boring yourself. There is no more sparks, no more butterflies, no more late night outdoor adventure, no more you and I. Just.. always tired and different company with us everyday. It sucks. I am already starting to wonder how long more of such life could I take. I think I belong to the wild but yet at the same time am not willingly to give up home. I am almost believing everyone out there is struggling like me because how can they not? How can anyone be happy with life like that? There must be happy moments.. it is scary because I really did try to recoup some to make my heart a tad lighter but there wasn’t. There isn’t. Since the war started, blood shed and scars formed, I don’t remember any of our days.. we were truly, innocently happy.

Not for me at least.

I am not happy. Just ok, alright, enough to lead life as it is everyday. But there are really times I’d sit down and question myself, where is the love? I can’t sit down, look you in the eye and say “I love you” because I don’t know! Funniest thing, my memory stopped at us being in Bali. Was that where we stopped loving each other?

Hi guys! I really think this space should be shut down, it’s so neglected! Aiyoyo, anyway, I feel sooooo liberated now. After so long.. we finally all managed to gather at Zouk to have a hellva night, like literally, not too comfortable disclosing what happened but at the end of the night, besides the physical pain, aching of the body etc, it was awesome. We kicked some ass! Okay, then again, it might the other way around hahah! But still, damn this people really shouldn’t be messing around with us.

Zzzz, so tired but we’ve gotto send Gnet and HX to the airport at 4.30, how luckyyy, I wanna go HK too! Ok but be patient, Aussie land is coming in June, should be meeting Eunice to skii at Victoria’s if she’s having her holidays and has spare dough. Tadadada. And can’t wait to get my arse baby’s mommy’s apartment in Gold Coast, how nice.. just the two of us, in a world of our own yayness! Thought of going to Bali/Phuket in Mar/April but then we should probably save as much money as we could for Aussie. ( Can’t wait to get out Singapore!

Tonight was awesome cus we met up with Jovey and Faith to play Scrabbles at Happy Daze cus we bought Junior out. Really, it’s nice just sittin down and cracking our brains for once, alcohol free. Was really zonked out though, my poor girl has work later on somemore. Hahaha. So excited! Going to bring the doggies to the vet tomorrow, head home for bell bell’s birthday and I can’t wait for Buddy’s birthday celebration on Saturday! Weeee. Thought of going to the pet farm for a run (for the dogs I mean), I think we skipped like 3 weekends already.. missing that place now! Wanna sign Junior up for Obedience  training tooooo. He’s too naughty for his own good, and too whinny. But I love him all the same

I have one more hour to go.. Dying already lah.

because in my life, there is no such thing as peace.

mornings are my worst bet.

is it wrong to love too much?