Not all who wander are lost

I promised to record the  up and downs of my whole pregnancy in a hopefully more private place (here! – I can keep track of whom has been viewing my blog, not exactly but I could guess easier).  I am now 8 weeks, almost 9 I should suppose, another 3 weeks to the end of my first trimester.  I just realised.  I was really just stumbling through the last couple of weeks, giving myself a lot more allowance then I should be, eating all the wrong food (baby loves fried food/fast food/snacks/ice cream/technically any form of junk food).  That’s about the only kind of food I could stuff into my mouth without wanting to throw up.  Then I read up online and they told me I crave for these because they are “comfort food”.  Yes, really needed the comfort.  

I haven’t been really excited about anything because I’m always so tired.  I feel so guilty because this not only means I’m the only one without a life.  I try so hard to balance a healthy life but it’s driving me crazy because I just can’t find the energy to head out and do something normal.  When I get too tired, I would suffer really bad morning sickness/giddiness the next day and I really don’t want to put myself through that.

Besides all these physical aches, I am so emotionally unstable I scare myself sometimes.  I sob non-stop and I hate it.  I didn’t believe in all that hormonal changes talk until now.  It is not an excuse of course I know but it’s hard not to be frustrated and angry with the people around me.  Especially when I have so much to juggle.  Work is already driving me crazy and then comes the wedding, and my body/mood changes. 

 Sometimes I just wish some one could help me out here.

Sometimes I’d feel a pang of anger hitting me in the centre of my heart because I know I’d have to forsake so much for this child, lagging behind in society for the next few years, abandoning all that big dreams I used to/still have.  Would I have time? Would I have the energy facing an infant and then a toddler with abundance of energy? 

There are so much to a pregnancy, it’s like another endless world of learning, patience to cultivate, love and bonding.  But at the same time, I think because I’m so scared, I’m cutting myself off from the world, refusing to admit how much it would matter to me in future, what if along the way things don’t work out?  The baby disappears?  The baby isn’t healthy?  Would I have to go through devastation again?  I fear. For my sanity.

I would very much like to let God decide my fate but I know nothing comes free in the world.  There is a price to pay for every good thing that falls into our lives.   Wish me luck.

Boo. I hate working on Sundays. Especially when they’re hot and sunny.. makes me wanna hibernate at home and hug Junior to sleeeeep. But then again, I hate working on Saturdays more, so stressful! I’m already stressed up enough. Can’t take anymore stress.

Zzzzz. I only had like 3 hours of sleep and I have work tomorrow. Sighs. Am really contemplating not working here already. Too tiring and mind fucking lah! Anyway, wow, I’ve been here for 6 months already! Time flies balls! Bahhh

My whole body is aching. Went to the gym yesterday for the boy’s personal training session + my orientation which became a kickboxing session weee! I am strong now! I lifted weights, trained abs, kickboxed and ran like 15 mins and I felt so aweesssommmeee! Hahaha, although I’m in pain now. But it was good good good. Gonna head there Tuesday again.

And oohhhhh. Poor Junior baby’s gonna get his neuter done on Tuesday as well. Hmmm. I’m gonna be sitting in. Hopefully I don’t get overly anxious. Bah. Hope I’m making the right decision and I hope he don’t put on weight lah.

Zzzzzzz.

Hello all, it has been awhile hasn’t it?

Am thinking of shutting this blog down or at least relocate cus I’m so sick of this empty, unspiced up space already boo. My life IS dull, what to do? Work takes away 3/4 of my life, am constantly tired and occupied with the 2 big babies at home. Sometimes I wonder if this really is the life I’m heading for and is this really what I want?

Besides having all these negative thoughts, most of my running thoughts is how to make more money everyday, how to improve my lifestyle – which I have already taken many many big steps. I rejoined Fitness First because of baby – we signed up for 4 months this time because I have learnt my lesson real badly. Personal trainers asked for because we need to be pushed. We are such lazy people but I know we need to excercise because we are so unhealthy.

Am pushing for better health because I want babies! Although I know I might not be the best mother on earth.. I still want to feel like a full and real woman. Signed up for driving FINALLY, enough of procrastinating. Opted for manual because Auto are for pussies as they claim but honestly, I AM A PUSSY why must I take manual……. Omg. Threw 500bucks down for admin fees and 5 practical lessons. Basic Theory is on 31st March. Awesome!

Drove home from town the other day baby was going “Excellent” all the way! Am I born to drive or am I born to drive? Haha! Can’t wait.. then after getting my liscense I shall strive to get a car. Yipppie. Am aiming to get a pass before I turn 21, am not going to be looked down upon and Joel.. I will not finish after you! Haha.

Some exciting news would be ..  I finally have my LV bag! Yayness. Ultimate happiness! Seems like things are going not bad for me. No major quarrels between the boy and I for a long time now and even if there is, it has not lasted more then 24 hours. Maybe we just grow up and out of it. Haha.

Ah gong was hospitalized for high blood pressure, shot up to 220 and I got a shock! I was crying in the clinic when baby delievered the news (my phone was at home, yes I forgot to bring my phone out with me again), I went into panic mode I forgot Kuku mommy’s number and her number hasn’t changed for 10 years and above – it was that bad. Honestly, my grandpops hasn’t been doing all that well, in the recent years, he grew so old sometimes I would sit down and wonder, where did all that energy in my grandpops went to?

Am I really that usless having failed to notice that? I am determined to spend more time with my family and even if I don’t have the time, a 5 mins conversation wouldn’t kill me much. If I could slog for the clinic so much, my family deserves 150% more of that effort.

I’ve been thinking about life. On the positive side that is. I was telling the boy, actually he’s a damn awesome boyfriend and all he said was “By buying gifts for you, all I want is just for you to be guai guai” Am I really so naughty? Well.. I’m a little stubborn here and there but I think I really am riding towards the right direction. For the first time in many years, I know I could face anyone and tell them “My life is perfect” Well, I there are still flaws but it is because they exist, my life is real.

Junior has been growing real fast but he really is problematic. Skin allergies, ate chocolates, blood in stools. You name it, he’s got it but he’s such a sweetheart. We are going to put him through neuter because he’s getting really territorial? I feel kinda sad for him but it’s only the right thing to do. Maybe when I have a new place of my own I will begin breeding.

And speaking of a new place, we are starting to think of renting a flat of our own now.. Kevin’s place is just utterly seductive (because of the rent and company and freedom.. Awesome!) I badly need that because as you all know.. I need my space quite damn often, let’s put that as 3 weeks out of a month HAHA. No honestly. I am that desperate. Specially with Junior’s whacky behaviour.

Guess where am I? NYP. Watching the boy study with his friends. Yawns! So sleepy. I miss my baby at home already and I want to go out and play!

I am deprieved. Utterly.

PS: On the side note, CNY was awesome. $$$$$$$$